How to Get Fired

The Sandlot really touched me so one day I became a lifeguard.

They taught us to scan the pool and they told us secret shoppers in the bushes would watch us to make sure we scanned correctly.

I rode a tall white chair with a half gallon of water and a pinch of chlorine for flavor. I asked kids to stop running because I couldn’t yell at them. My whistle might not have worked. I told [young] people I was allergic to water and [old people] that I couldn’t swim.

Lifeguard paradise is Adult Swim — 10 minutes before the hour, every hour. I was about to call it at 4:48 when a mom says to her son “All right ____, it’s time to go now.” He cried “But mom, can’t we stay until Adult Swim?”

Too much heart so I let him float. I called Adult Swim around 4:55.

No worries, I thought. Will resume scan procedures at 5:05 and get hibachi at 6:15 with my homies.

Except that day I was storing a friend’s yogurt in the club house. It was hot outside and dairy has a restraining order with the sun so I put it in the fancy refrigerator.

During Adult Swim my friend went into the club house to retrieve her food while I did the voodoo food color / PH test that’s so incredibly important and saves millions of lives.

Sometime during the 4:56-5:04 period a Pool Nazi came to visit. For those unfamiliar with intimate details of my teenage life, Pool Nazis are parents whose singular duty in life is to play 5-0 with lifeguards and ensure the coveted HOA fees they pay to protect their youth are well spent.

Every neighborhood has a Pool Nazi or 7 but this one was particularly notorious. I think she freelanced with surrounding neighborhoods.

Anyway, in perfect storm-ish fashion I’m seen walking out of the club house with my friend at 5:05. Minutes later my flip phone is buzzing and it’s my boss:

“What were you doing in the club house with another teenager?? You called a long Adult Swim.”

“She was getting her yogurt… I let a little kid swim more…”

“Well I guess that puts the nail in the coffin on the ‘what’ but the ‘why’ isn’t acceptable. You’re done.”

And that’s how to get fired.

Tl;dr – Public fornication is more forgivable than making trivial exceptions for small children.